What I Don’t See When I’m Jealous

I’m getting to the age where peers have accomplished a lot. I’m not talking about people who were exceptional out of the gate and did great things in their 20s and 30s. I’m talking about people that felt like genuine peers, but now have done things like:

• made a boatload of money
• built a business such that they have all kinds of freedom
• are well known in their fields

These folks have things that I want. And I feel like I’m just as talented. I could be where they are and have what they have.

In my mind I often think “why does <X> have that and I don’t”. This jealousy is not constructive, but that doesn’t stop it from popping up from time to time. I think I’m getting old enough that status and legacy are starting to matter in a way they didn’t a decade ago.

Here are strategies I use to combat this jealousy:

• Remind myself that I don’t actually know everything they have. I can see certain aspects of their life, but even for close friends I don’t know everything, just what they choose to share. The friend who is a professor who works with interesting projects and gets the summers off might have to deal with horrible politics or a low salary. I just don’t know. That means I don’t know enough to know if I’d actually want to trade places. I am idealizing what they have and not understanding the downsides.
• Even if I would want to trade places, I don’t know what they went through. When I see a friend with the thriving business who has flexibility and can work when he wants, I don’t see everything. I don’t see how he had to be tethered to it for years, or the risks he had to take, or the multiple years of 60+ hour workweeks and the stress that wrought on his body, family and friends. I try to imagine the late nights and the worries in the same way I imagine the benefits.
• Remind myself that I have agency and can work toward what they have. Even though I’m mid-career, if I wanted to adjust things to move towards what someone I see has, I can do so. As mentioned above, I need to be willing to make sacrifices, but I am lucky enough to have the space to consider it. With sufficient focus and effort, I can do most anything, I just can’t do everything.
• Even if I want to trade places with a friend, know what would make me happy, and would have been willing to make the sacrifices to be where they are, I am still discounting my current situation. It’s very easy to think “oh, <Y> would make me happy” but if I can’t look at where I am and be grateful, I might be kidding myself. And when I do take a hard look at where I am, I do feel more gratitude and satisfaction. One of my hacks when I’m feeling down is to just list 2-3 things that I like about my life.
• Related to feeling grateful for what I have, I also try to remember that just as I am looking at people and saying “why can’t I have what they have”, other folks might be looking at me and saying the same. In fact, I might have said the same 20 years ago if I was looking at someone where I am now. It’s easy to discount what you have and focus on what you don’t, but thinking about these folks makes me more grateful for what I do have.

I’d be surprised if I’m alone in feeling this way. Do you feel jealousy? If so, how do you deal with it?